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I have been very absent on here as of late.

Things haven’t been too easy. I am in the third trimester of pregnancy with my sweet little girl and around this time of year there have been a lot of trials and upheavals. It seems my subconscious knows this, remembers this, and has a tendency to repeat similar things always around this time of year. With being pregnant, the trials were a lot more complicated. I am not in a position to self destruct, which is the usual pattern my mind takes around now.

I was battling the old pathways in my mind for several weeks, still falling a little bit, but not completely collapsing. I was holding things together. I was surviving. I was staying physically healthy, but mentally I was lacking greatly. As we know, our thoughts and emotions manifest in some way eventually, and the ruminating, counter productive thoughts did eventually manifest. I began to fall.

I ended up in a deep, isolated, dark, desolate, dreary, hole.

I distanced myself emotionally from everyone around me.

I sat there and allowed shame, guilt, regret, and self hatred consume my mind so badly, that I sincerely didn’t believe I deserved anything, and I didn’t believe anything I wanted would come true. Instead, I believed the darkness. I was in agreement with it.

By some kind of miracle, I remembered some of what I had learned. I remembered the power of thought. I remembered I had a choice. I also remembered why I had to make a different choice. My baby girl, my beautiful son, my boyfriend, my parents, my brothers, my desire to feel better. I told myself there was no other choice but to choose better, and so I began to choose what I wanted, mentally.

It didn’t sink it right away. It was just repetition at first. I could redirect my thoughts and drown out the negative thoughts voices. Instead of thinking about all I didn’t want, I repeated what I did want in my head over and over and over and over, I wrote it down, I said it out loud, I drew it graffiti style in Sharpie. Simply interrupting the other thoughts was enough to make a difference, and that difference was enough to get me to believe in what I did want again.

So, in conclusion, I am back! And happy to be back.

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