People change. People are in a constant evolution. People go through different seasons, seasons in which take them down different paths. People fall. People grow. People are made to change, made to create and destroy, made to be shifting and moving energies. Someone said to me once “when someone shows you who they are, believe them.” If I had taken that advice, I would have written someone off who has now become my life partner and favorite person. If we are not changing, we are stagnant, and likely unhappy because change is so embedded in our nature. So when we interact with difficult people, keep in mind, they have not always been that difficult person you see in front of you, there was a whole life that lead them there. And when we become hopeless about ourselves, we need to remind ourselves that we are an evolution encountering another season of change and have the ability to intentionally evolve, so lean in, be deliberate, and accept this radical journey.
I have been very absent on here as of late.
Things haven’t been too easy. I am in the third trimester of pregnancy with my sweet little girl and around this time of year there have been a lot of trials and upheavals. It seems my subconscious knows this, remembers this, and has a tendency to repeat similar things always around this time of year. With being pregnant, the trials were a lot more complicated. I am not in a position to self destruct, which is the usual pattern my mind takes around now.
I was battling the old pathways in my mind for several weeks, still falling a little bit, but not completely collapsing. I was holding things together. I was surviving. I was staying physically healthy, but mentally I was lacking greatly. As we know, our thoughts and emotions manifest in some way eventually, and the ruminating, counter productive thoughts did eventually manifest. I began to fall.
I ended up in a deep, isolated, dark, desolate, dreary, hole.
I distanced myself emotionally from everyone around me.
I sat there and allowed shame, guilt, regret, and self hatred consume my mind so badly, that I sincerely didn’t believe I deserved anything, and I didn’t believe anything I wanted would come true. Instead, I believed the darkness. I was in agreement with it.
By some kind of miracle, I remembered some of what I had learned. I remembered the power of thought. I remembered I had a choice. I also remembered why I had to make a different choice. My baby girl, my beautiful son, my boyfriend, my parents, my brothers, my desire to feel better. I told myself there was no other choice but to choose better, and so I began to choose what I wanted, mentally.
It didn’t sink it right away. It was just repetition at first. I could redirect my thoughts and drown out the negative thoughts voices. Instead of thinking about all I didn’t want, I repeated what I did want in my head over and over and over and over, I wrote it down, I said it out loud, I drew it graffiti style in Sharpie. Simply interrupting the other thoughts was enough to make a difference, and that difference was enough to get me to believe in what I did want again.
So, in conclusion, I am back! And happy to be back.
Today I decided I want to be a doctor, a naturopathic doctor to be specific. It is what I have wanted to do for several years now but I ruled it out for myself because of my circumstances. I had the belief system that since I have a son, don’t come from a wealthy family that can pay for my college, and am currently pregnant with a baby girl due in April, that being a doctor was merely a fantasy, but not in my cards. But why not? Why can’t it be in my cards? So today I changed my perspective. There is no reason why I shoudn’t be a doctor. The more I focus on it, the more I align myself with that reality, the more possible it becomes, actually, that is the ONLY way to make it possible. Change your perspective, change your reality, CHOOSE your perspective CHOOSE your reality. So I am aligning this dream, I am aligning this future, my future, with my higher power, for the greatest good. I am thanking the universe/god/etc in advanced for this reality, thanking them for giving me this thought, thanking them for blessing me with this belief, thanking them for reigniting my hope and passion, thanking them for making it all possible, thanking them for guiding me, thanking them for making life this way, thanking them for my life and my ability to choose. So here I am, a naturopathic doctor in the making, starting school in the fall, about four months after my baby is born, trusting that everything is going to align, connect, and fall into place as it should, and I will move with faith, love, joy, and trust through the journey. I KNOW this is it, and truly trust the unknown, not only trust it, but am excited for it.
Please ask yourself what you all have ruled out of your equation because you believe it’s not possible. Ask yourself why it’s not possible. If someone else has done it, why can’t you? Circumstances are simply a product of energy, and energy can be changed, but it starts with belief, and the rest of the steps will become clear as you go, they will becomes clear as you become clearer, and less held back by limiting beliefs based on your past experiences and current circumstances. Everything changes. Be the intentional change, don’t simply stand by and try to cope with the changes.
There is a certain word called faith, it is commonly associated with religion and a belief system. Sometimes it gets a negative connotation, but let me go a little deeper into the power and meaning of this word. Faith is about trust, hope, belief, and even peace. It is about giving up your own control, and handing it over to something greater than yourself. Faith is about believing in something without using your five senses. Faith is about believing in something that is not here yet, even when there is no proof it will come. Faith is having trust, while enduring an excruciating situation, that everything will be okay. Faith is facing difficult emotions and circumstances knowing that you are learning something that you couldn’t have learned any other way. Faith is trusting that everything is constantly shifting and connecting in your favor whether it feels that way or not, whether its through trial or blessings, pain or joy. Faith has the ability to transform you and your circumstances. What we believe is what we receive, so when we have faith in something, and we put our hearts in the right intent, we give up control, we give up fear, we will receive from our faith, it’s the law of the universe. Faith also has the ability to give us strength and resilience we didn’t ever know we had. Faith is a belief, it is a perspective, it is changing your lens and broadening your views to feel and trust the unknown. With that, we suddenly have the strength we need to persevere through the awfully painful aspects of life such as loss, break ups/divorce, poverty, prejudice, etc. Not only will we be able to endure with faith, but eventually prosper, because we will not stay stuck in the enormity, we will not try and push against anything, resist the inevitable, avoid emotions, live out of fear, control, we will let things flow as they should, and we can maintain hope, we can give up the labels of good and bad, we can stay present while knowing things will change for the better eventually. We will no longer be victims to our circumstances, but students. We can live free, we can have peace through suffering, and hope through misery.
Yesterday life really taught me something. With some honesty, I have been experiencing a bit of a strange phase in my own mentality and emotional well being. I began to feel better than ever, my head was feeling clearer, my heart felt more connected, I felt energy and vitality, motivation, everything seemed to be more than good, but amazing. All of the sudden I was hit with all these fearful thoughts and worst case scenarios, lack of energy, digestive issues, trouble sleeping. My motivation and drive diminished to being almost nonexistent, I wanted to distract myself all the time to avoid my thoughts and emotions, I had crazy cravings for sweets, it seemed like all my stomach could digest without discomfort, and hopelessness and disappointment was beginning to settle in. Yesterday it then dawned on me that this was part of the healing process. Learning how to not allow fear to control me. To fight against it. To push back. The closer we get to freedom and wholeness, it seems fear creeps in full throttle to bring us back to our old protective, boxed in, worlds because ironically, wholeness can feel vulnerable and scary. This can make us vear off course and lose focus. This is all part of our paths to healing, another layer of fear being peeled off so you can get closer to your highest self, enlightenment, wholeness.
There are days where I wish I could search on google “how to be happy” and find a five minute fix to problems I have created or allowed. Some days I am tired and I just want someone or something else to solve everything for me. Recently I had one of those days, one of those dreary, meloncholy, days. One of those days where I just wanted to sit on the couch in my pajamas and binge watch a series on Netflix all day. One of those days where I saw the bad in myself, the world, life, and people much more than I saw the good. I was playing out worse case scenarios for every aspect of my life all day, thinking about how much more I should be doing, and how much I have messed up in so many aspects of life. On days like those, it’s easy to lose track of what really matters, which makes it all the more important to be mindful of your thoughts, emotions, and actions, and to have gratitude for the journey. Remember that you have the ability to raise your vibration, taking a minute to see what you can do to positively influence your energy, and investing in those things is crucial and could teach you something new, and help you believe in yourself a little more. Every day has lessons, signs, opportunities, and to make an effort to see the divine might have the power to change a dreary, meloncholy, day into something beautiful.
There are days where I wish I could search on google “how to be happy” and find a five minute fix to problems I have created or allowed. Some days I am tired and I just want someone or something else to solve everything for me. Recently I had one of those days, one of those dreary, melancholy, days. One of those days where I just wanted to sit on the couch in my pajamas and binge watch a series on Netflix all day. One of those days where I saw the bad in myself, the world, life, and people much more than I saw the good. I was playing out worse case scenarios for every aspect of my life all day, thinking about how much more I should be doing, and how much I have messed up in so many aspects of life. On days like those, it’s easy to lose track of what really matters, which makes it all the more important to be mindful of your thoughts, emotions, and actions, and to have gratitude for the journey. Remember that you have the ability to raise your vibration, taking a minute to see what you can do to positively influence your energy, and investing in those things is crucial and could teach you something new, and help you believe in yourself a little more. Every day has lessons, signs, opportunities, and to make an effort to see the divine might have the power to change a dreary, melancholy, day into something beautiful.
Self love is not about thinking you’re the shit. I suffered from anorexia for thirteen years and so of course I have learned all about the importance of self love. If you look into it, it’s all about selfies and “knowing your worth.” This is not self love, because it is still about finding a way to see your worth, building yourself up to think you deserve better. Self love is about unconditionally loving and accepting yourself simply because you are human and every human deserves love. There are no conditions, you love because it just is, you just are. It is not about taking cute selfies. It is not about thinking you deserve better for some reason. In reality, you don’t deserve anything, we don’t do or be to deserve goodness. We are and we deserve goodness. You can look into all the body positivity and self love blogs and you will find a whole lot of affirmations about telling yourself you are beautiful, and how you should cut people out of your life if they don’t see your worth, but now you are building an ego, anytime you are putting a judment on yourself you are building your ego, whether that judgment be good or bad, and ego is not love. So self love is removing your labels, you are not good enough, and you are not bad, you are, you are not pretty or ugly, you are, you are seeing your soul, your consciousness. With this definition and recognition, we come into a place of unity with all others, we form self compassion and a deeper compassion for others, we become more spiritual than physical, and we begin to treat ourselves and others with more love, we become better people, and not so we CAN love ourselves, but because we DO love ourselves and our values and perspectives have shifted.
This morning I listened to this beautiful talk by a woman named Tomomi Becot about living in the present. She explained how every single moment in our lives is beautiful and valuable because it will be over in a flash. This deeply resonated with me because it is common to have a dialogue of what you should, could, or would be doing IF something was different within your circumstances, and how much joy and gratitude that robs you of right now. All day today I simply observed and embraced each moment with gratitude. When a thought came up that was fear based or negative, I literally told myself that I did not want to focus my energy there, and proceeded to embrace right now with gratitude. This changed my entire perspective. When I was trying to take a shower and my three year old son was blowing cold air from the hair dryer on my body, thoroughly enjoying it, as I froze, instead of thinking about how nice it WOULD be to be able to take a shower in peace, I connected to the love and gratitude I have for my little boy and watched his cute little face light up with joy. This changed my entire perspective in that moment from annoyance, to humility and complete and utter gratitude for everything in that moment from my son to the fact that I had soap to wash my body with. Your life can transform just from shifting where you allow your focus and attention to be. Don’t allow whatever you view you lack to rule your life, or you will live in lack, whether it be mentally or physically, focus on your own abundance and you will be abundant.
This is what persevering through pain has provided; The mentality of gratitude, humility, strength, joy in the simple things, living passionately, wisdom…. It’s been an exploratory journey, which led to awakening, it shed light on the difference between band-aids and genuine healing, it brought compassion, and the ability to truly be able to help others with so many different circumstances, it brought appreciation for trial and every emotion and their purposes, it shed light on what real unconditional love is, it showed that we are capable of hard things, it made it clear that everything is meant and that even when it feels as though things won’t be okay, we can have the comfort in knowing it will be eventually, it opened my eyes to the unseen, it helped me appreciate freedom, it made material items less important, it made uncomfortable environments more tolerable, it helped me love everyone, and judge less, it made peace so much more enjoyable, it created highs from life because I had experienced such lows, it made me recognize how blessed I truly am, it helped me be more generous with what I have, it helped me have faith that I will always have what I need, it made me stop taking the ones who care for me for granted, It helped me see the ones who didn’t actually care for me, it taught me self awareness, it taught that we create our own realities, it taught the power of our own minds, beliefs, thoughts, perceptions, and feelings, it made me work on mastering my mind, and being intentional, it made me a better listener and observer, it made me care deeper for others and their well being, It incited creativity and inspiration, it taught me that all we have is now, and all we need is now, it taught me that everything that is a label or opinion is simply a perception, it brought the value of forgiveness, it taught the deception of the ego.
Self compassion is the antidote to the inner critic, the ego, and feelings of not being good enough. It can be very difficult to cultivate self compassion, especially when you feel as though you don’t deserve it. Something that helps vastly is the realization that your thoughts and beliefs manifest, therefore, when you judge yourself harshly, you will manifest the emotions and beliefs of those judgments somehow in yourself. It becomes a vicious cycle, you judge yourself because you feel like you are inadequate in some way, and you become more of what you are judging yourself for. This strengthens the ego and distances you from love. It is not you who judges, it is your ego, it is who you “think” you are, it is the way your subconscious has formulated throughout your life. You deserve your own love and compassion just as much as everyone else does, there is not a single person on this earth that does not deserve those two basic human decencies. Remember, we are just consciousness that inhabit a body, we observe and create our reality, and who we are as people each and every day. As consciousness, we are all very much the same, our differences lie in how we interpret the world and ourselves, therefore, you do not have to be anyone you don’t want to be, and the only way to change, grow, and heal, is through love. With this, next time your mind starts to talk down on itself, remind yourself that you are only a consciousness, and there is no good or bad consciousness, you just are, and the only way to become closer to love, closer to your highest self, and full potential, is to accept that you just are and your love and compassion for yourself is not dependent upon the ego you have created or who you think you are.
We come into our bodies with no guarantees. We start shaping our perceptions-beliefs-realities. We experience life and the emotions that come along with it, pain, joy, fear, love.. We encounter rock bottoms, to encounter wisdom. We fall low, so we can fly higher. We grow and evolve. We are here to love and create, and to become enlightened. As something disconnects, something else connects, as one thing falls apart, another comes together. This is the gift of life, each second of our journey is a blessing. We are all in this together, united, connected, and equal, aiming for the same goal, whether we see it that way or not, and THAT is beautiful.
The most important belief that I ever integrated into my perception was that I am capable of healing and wholeness. We live in a society of labels and categories. If you have a few symptoms, likely those symptoms can be diagnosed, doctors diagnose an issue, and then you are left with that name lingering in your mind. That name becomes part of your identity, it becomes a way that you describe yourself, it becomes something that in your head, limits you from all kinds of lifestyles and activities, and the more focus you give that name, the more it grows, strengthens, and grips onto your DNA. You become sicker, more debilitated, and less able to thrive. It is a domino affect that can lead to a lifetime of suffering, and it’s getting old.
During a stay on rock bottom, I decided that I couldn’t go on another day as I was. I went on a journey to find out what else was possible and how to get there. I had already gone down the route of western medicine with no success, it was time to head in another direction. That is when I discovered quantum physics and how that participates in healing, chakras, prayer, manifestation, energy healing, nutrition, the power of your own thoughts and perspective, illness starting in the mind and spirit and then manifesting in the body, the importance of gratitude and much much more. With these new discoveries I have been transforming as a person, and defying the principals of western medicine. This changed my entire outlook and reignited my hope in life.
With this, please do not allow your current circumstances or labels define you. Keep pushing the boundaries of your own health. Keep expanding your knowledge. Don’t lose hope. Make the decision to renew yourself. Make the decision to rise above. It can become comfortable to carry different labels that limit your existence, those labels become your identity, they become your excuse, they become your version of normal, they become accepted in your subconscious and perpetuated by it as well. We each have a version of ourselves that are operated at a higher capacity, and deeper depth, with more love, more peace, and more joy, that version of you exists in the quantum field already, and is simply waiting for you to choose it, and keep choosing it.
We have the power to create and destroy. Love is creation, fear is destruction. A fear based mentality is the source of ego, hatred, resentment, envy, low self esteem, insecurity, jealousy, deceit, materialism, emptiness. Fear will destroy your relationships. Fear will destroy your ability to go after your dreams. Fear will destroy your ability to trust another person. Fear will distract you from what brings fulfillment and have you focusing on money, drugs, status, etc. Fear will have you living scared of failure. Fear will have you trapped in trauma, living with a brand new life, and not appreciating it because you’re so AFRAID your past will repeat itself. Fear will have you comparing yourself to others and never measuring up in your own heart and mind. Fear will have you criticizing yourself, piling mountains of shame for your past mistakes, and setting standards too high for anyone to reach. Fear IS destruction. Love will fill you with inspiration, joy, gratitude, empathy, compassion, wholeness, humility, trust, etc. Love is growth. Love is art. Love is having faith that everything is going to work out just as it’s meant to. Love is sitting contently in a moment, appreciating all that it comes with. Love is seeing heartbreak as love. Love is forgiveness through compassion, empathizing with those who hurt you and wishing them the best. Love is gratitude for the little things, satisfaction without the need for more or better. Love is helping someone in a dark place. Love is sharing your light. Love is going after your dream, and knowing you can do it. Love is teaching your children, and treating them better than you were treated. Love is listening and understanding someone else, giving them a place where their feelings matter. Love is giving without expectation. Love is not having to be better than anyone else, but viewing us all as equals. Love is creation. Love is peace. Love is joy. Love is all that we all want and need, and fear is what drags us away. Today and every day, if we set the intention of love, and consciously choose it all throghout the day, not only would we be happier, but maybe we could spread a bit of that light to someone else who needed it.
The art of letting something in, goes hand and hand with the art of letting go. To open up, invite, and expect new experiences and opportunities you must close the doors of the old ones as well. The Yin Yang, a symbol of balance, of one factor, and it’s opposite, is also very symbolic of choice and perspective, as there are two opposing extremes, fear and love, humility and arrogance, gratitude and entitlement, victim and victor, to each is only a perspective, for one presents the capacity for another, your choice on which side of each pendulum you choose to fall, love can be eliminated, stunted, or rejected by fear, and fear can be eliminated, stunted, or rejected by love. One side is an antidote to the other, good and evil, pain and joy, darkness is only an absence of light. So therefore, to release darkness and allow for light, to live for love instead of survive out of fear, you let go of control, and invite freedom, and in that you can let go of the past and rejoice and manifest in the present, and simply trust put trust in the universe for the future.
Most things in our minds have a path, one connection that lead to another, that lead to another, and then comes a belief or perception, something that integrates into our thought pattern, behaviors, personality. Then there are those things that explode your mind, there wasn’t a direct path there, a chronological series of perceptions and experiences that lead to a conclusion. When those explosions occur, your mind begins to scramble to find meaning, understanding, solutions. That is trauma. That outlandish, shocking, incomprehensible event, or events, occur and your brain scrambles to reconnect itself and you end up with a bunch of incoherent, fear based, thoughts and beliefs. You change, become someone different, because you lost what blew up in the explosion, and gained the fear that came with it. That event, just was, there wasn’t a why, and if there is a why, finding out isn’t as important as accepting that it just was. I say this as someone trying my best to heal, so take it with a tremendous amount of empathy and compassion.